Tales from Ozlaid House(A Cork Horror story)

Js big break.

2009-03-13T15:15:00.002Z

J went through a phase where he got into amatur dramatics.He got a minor part in a short student film,though he was miffed to discover on viewing it that they recorded over his dialogue with music.His big break was when he got the part of Father Mathew in an outdoor production about Famous Cork Characters of old,to be staged in the coal quay.(For the benefit of non Cork readers Father Mathew was a nineteenth century Cork priest who campaigned against alchohol)His part entailed him performing a monologue where Father M bewails the plight of Famine victims.I went along to see the show,it consisted of a narator who would tell a bit about the history of the Coal Quay then introduce an actor who would perform a monologue.Js turn came,the narater introduced Father Mathew and J started his speech."When i see all the starving people""I".He stopped dead!A look of fear came into his eyes as he went blank and couldent recall his lines.After a protraced pause the narater said"Well folks ,that was Father Mathew"."Now lets ......"Before she could say anymore J interupted her with the rest of his speech which he blurted out as quick as he could.The play continued.Js acting career never quite recovered.

Maureen.

2009-01-09T15:05:00.002Z

Ozlaid House had its own resident caretaker,Maureen,a 50something spinster who acted as the eyes and ears for the landlords.She had the keys to all the flats and it wasent unkown for her to go poking around in peoples rooms when they were out.I never hit it off with her but J developed a strange friendship with her.He became the apple of her eye,the golden boy of Ozlaid house.When he was with me J used to speculate on her sex life."You never know,she could be a great ride" he used to say.Wether he found out or not im not sure as i was later to fall out with him,but im sure it was one of the motivating factors for his friendship with her.

China girl.

2008-07-29T13:57:00.002+01:00

J had a big thing about oriental girls.He was forever searching internet dating sites seeking out eastern lovelies.He thought he,d hit the jackpot when he found a site featuring Chinese women,but to his dismay the ads were all in Chinese."You,d think they,d print the ads in english if they want to meet western men !"he sullenly declared to me.

Dont mention the war!

2008-01-15T17:50:00.000Z

J,s grasp of history is patchy to say the least .This was demonstrated fairly vividly when i was in his flat and we were watching "Band of Brothers "on the telly.Halfway into the episode he turns and asks me,"Is this about Vietnam?"

Wheelchair fun.

2007-12-29T16:42:00.001Z

A friend relates a coversation he had with J,which started off with J asking him"can people in wheelchairs have sex?"There was a reason for his curiosity as it transpired he was corrosponding via the web with a girl in Newcastle,England who was wheelchair bound.J was in a quandry as how to get her upstairs so he could shag her.Not easy when he was living on the third floor of Ozlaid house.My friend in zest suggested hoisting her up to his window with a winch,at which Js mood darkened."You shouldent be making fun of people in wheelchairs" he chided. Irony ,as always was lost on him.

More wise sayings.

2007-12-13T20:24:00.000Z

I had to explain the meaning of the phrase"middle of the road"once to J.When he told me he liked Gareth Brooks and i answered that he was too middle of the road for me he was mystified as to its meaning.

J and Borat,a comparision.

2006-12-12T15:33:00.000Z

I watched the "Borat " film the other night and while i found it a very funny experience i couldent help but wonder if Sasha Baron Cohen has met our hero.Its not Just Cohens gangling frame that invites comparision but Borats ill fitting suit reminds me of when J bought a very expensive armani suit ,just imagine Ryan Tubridy with a freakishly large head and youll get the picture.Of course Borat and Js seduction attempts could also be said to be very similar.But a couple of other elements of the film really brought me down memory lane.Borats obsession with Pamella Anderson for instance.J would develop similar obsessions with blond female media idols.Particulerly so with Britney Spears,and the girl from "Sabrina the teenage witch".He would hear no ill said against them,and would go into a sulk if you did.In fact he used to watch "Sabrina"in bed ,at about half 5 in the evening,and,at the time of our brief friendship i walked in to his bedsit to see his hand pumping away furiously under the sheets. J had,some years before i met him been to the States.He had,as was his usual method,a guy ,a married fellow in his 40s i think,and stayed in his house for free.This was in Santa Barbera,Californa and J talked about the place as though it was the promised land.He also went on at extreme lengh about California girls,insisting that there were "no ugly women in California".Well ,i,ve already told you about the lovely "M" in letter from America.Not long after this long distance love affair fizzled out J met another american girl over the internet.A black girl called Celeste,whos short ,chubby and looks not unlike Borats dinner party guest in the film .No sooner had the keyboard on his computer cooled but the bold J had Jetted off to New York,in Febuary last year and married her over there.I,ve heard nothing of him since ,but rest assured ,once he gets his US citizen ship Celeste will have served her purpose and he happily chase his fantasy,which i imagine will involve proposing marrige to "Sabrina" at an autograph signing and then trying to kidnap her,Borat style.

Big nose!

2006-10-26T12:51:00.000+01:00

One of the funniest examples of Js attempts at the seduction game was told to me by a friend who was out with him in his favourite stomping ground.,,Streets,,late night bar,in the grand parade hotel.Corkonians will need no introduction to this now closed establishment but for those on further shores,its basicly a place where desperate ,ugly people go in the hope of some action.J spotted a woman standing by the bar,who in my friends words was at least 50 and had the biggest nose he,d ever seen.J smelt blood.,,See her there ?,,Ill bet shes really desperate ,im going to go over and ask her to dance!,,Over our hero goes supremley confident.My friend saw him speak to the woman with the prominent hooter.She said nothing but just shook her head.J came back furious.,,Who the fuck does she think she is?,, he fumed.,,Youd think shed be gratefull,its not like shes going to get a lot of offers looking like that!,,.As you might have figured J dosent take rejection well,which is strange seeing as hes had a lot of practise.

A rides a ride.

2006-10-17T15:58:00.000+01:00

Much amusement was to be gained by Js atittudes and behavour around the female sex.His first fumblings were all women he met off the internet.I,ve already told you about Fat S,(see bottom entry)and she was pretty typical of the speciemens he met off the net.Insecure,not very bright and very ugly.Js philosophy was that he might as well settle for what he got as in his own words ,,A rides a ride!,,.In fact he informed me that the very first time he was with a woman he got so excited that he came in his pants before anything serious happened.The real fun was to observed when J went out on the prowl to bars and nightclubs in search of action .Ill tell you more about that in the next entry.

Backseat.

2006-08-01T13:40:00.000+01:00

One evening as i was walking home,i heard a car horn and turned to see alongside me a friend in the van he drove for his company.As i walked over i noticed J was in the passenger seat holding a can of beer(It was his first ,my friend later told me).He was in the hyper mood that small amounts of booze put him in,and excitedly insisted that we go for a drive.I squeezed into the back of the van,and we took off to cruise randomly.I sugested we go to the pub,but J had other ideas.We were near the docks and J exclaimed that he wanted to look at the prostitues.As we drove down Father Mathew street ,close to the river J almost screamed,,Look at that!,,As my friend parked the van by the riverside,i could see what had got J so worked up.A girl in her late teens or early twenties was standing by one of the entrances to the narrow alleys that run off the street,it was obvious from her dress and deamonour what she was up to.It was now fairly dark and there was no one else about.J seemed almost possesed with excitement.D....., he said ,,why dont you go over and ask her to get in the back?,,,,Why dont you?,,I replied.,,I want to watch you having sex with her,,he answered.I laughed,i assumed he was joking.,,Ah go on D...!I promise i wont wank,,An unpleseant image came to mind,me fucking the girl in the back,my friend drinking cans in the drivers seat,and J,looking in the rear view mirror ,happily pulling himself off.I refused point blank.J pleaded with me to do it,hed even go and get money from the atm.It started to go beyond a joke.Im not joking when i say that this went on for about another 15 minuites.J,in his annoying whiney voice pleading..,,But D.....,,!At some point we noticed the hooker was gone,and much to Js dismay but me and my friends relief ,so we finaly drove off.This episode marked a definite cooling in my relationship with J,which in the coming months was to get worse.

Namo!Namo!

2006-06-18T12:46:00.000+01:00

Through classes he was doing,J got to know a Japenese girl called Namo(Not actually her real name ,but its very similar).J was ,as youd expect ,confident he was onto a good thing,especially when he went out for a drink with her.But his mood of confidence was short lived.He complained that he walked her all the way home,and she dident invite him in,leaving poor old J walking home alone.He just couldent understand it.,,Youd think she,d want to ride an Irish guy,,he complained.A couple of more dates followed with the same result.He was particulerly irked that he had to pay for everything on these encounters,The,,stupid bitch,,never putting her hand in her pocket.He also developed a habit of whenever she came up in conversion of exlaiming loudly in an attempt at a comical Japenese accent,,Namo!Namo!.He was very pleased with this display of wit,and the amount of times he did it really began to grate. He made one final attempt to get his way with her,when my birthday came up i held a small party in a pub.J invited her along and as hed already had a couple of cans at my place,he was kind of unsteady on his feet.At the bar,he got more drunk and then started his clumsy attempts at courtship.He was sitting next to her and kept putting his arm around her and trying to kiss her,while she kept drawing away from him to to shield his advances.Now,Namo certainly couldent be described as goodlooking.She was small,with glasses,and had prominent buck teeth which were stained yellow from coffee.J unvelied his master plan,,Namo,I love you,you know i do,,he declared loudly.He obviously decided this wasent enough and turned to one of the guests,,Shes the most beautifull girl in the world,isint she?,,The embarresment felt by everyone in the bar wasent felt by our hero.Before long his low tolerance for alcholol rendered any further wooing impossible and he had to be supported home. So ,Js charisma and unique way with the ladies had once more not produced any favourabl results.I wonder why?

Visit from America.

2006-04-22T15:54:00.000+01:00

J got into corrospondoance with a girl from Arizona called M,.Why he chose her im not sure.She sent a picture to him early on ,it was kind of blurred and you couldent really see her face,though you could see she was fairly fat.This dident deter J,and he constantly spoke to her through a chatroom and ,before long ,over the phone.Soon they arranged to meet ,she would come over to visit him.J was confident that he was onto a good thing.,,Whatever else happens,im guaranteed a ride!,, he would declare casually.In fact when we had been out for a couple of drinks he decided to ring her one night at about 12pm.(One thing you must remember about J is he absoloutly cannot hold drink.Hes pissed after 2 drinks and if he takes any more he literaly cant stand up,but more of that another time).So he rings her up on the phone in the hall and one of the things i hearr him say as i go back to my flat his J loudly telling this girl who hes never met that he loves her. Well the big day arrives and he goes to meet her at the airport with a red rose.What happens next is courtisy of Js frankness about anything that happens to him .The first word out of her mouth when he presents her with the rose is,, Its withered!,,.Worse(or better)was to come.I called up to his flat to meet the girl of his dreams.When i entered there was a distinctly frosty atmosphere.When i saw M i understood why she sent a blurry photo.That girl wasUGLY!.She was about 18 stone,and had a really jowly face with god knows how many chins.If that wasent enough she was all spots,and had kind of mannish short cropped hair.You could get over her looks,maybe,but it was her personality that really jarred.She barely achnologed me,and she seemed to be sulking that J had no proper seats in his flat.Thankfully she went out to make a phone call.As soon as she went out J leaned over and whispered ,almost in a panic,, Shes not that nice looking ,is she?,,Im not even sure i want to ride her,,.I made my excuses and left.What follows next was told to me by a friend .He went to meet J and m in this tacky bar that J seems to think is sophisticated.Again ,he encountered the same frosty atmosphere and it was clear that the two love birds werent exactly getting on.At length they got into a bitchy argument over something and M said to J,,Well,youve got bird like legs,,. What i havent mentioned yet is that in the run up to her coming J had booked a room in the Clarion in Dublin,the most expensive in the city,and probably the country.The money for this little venture J had persuaded his mother to cough up. Well,off they went on the weekend of romance.After a couple of days my friend decided to ring J to see how he was getting on.He asked him if he was having any luck with the lovely M.J lowered his voice nervously,,Im sitting here in my pyjamas,,,shes in the shower,,,,I havent got as much as a kiss off her,, So Js anticapated dirty weekend never materialised.In spite of the fact that the two of them couldent stand each other J kept corrosponding with her.As a matter of fact after a while seemed fairly confident that theyd be married.Js ulterior motives became more apparent when he revealed that her family were loaded and owned several properties.In his own words he seemed to think that ,,He could spend the summers in Ireland and winter in Arizona,,.Well things dident quite work out that way,but thats another story.

Buisness venture.

2006-04-13T15:08:00.000+01:00

My source tells me of a bright idea that J had .He wanted him and J to go halves on a franchise on a fast food outlet.(Of course Js mother would provide him with the money)My friend swears J was serious when he said that they,,Could get young girls working for them ,and if they refuse to have sex with him he could fire them,,. No ,im not making this up.

Wise sayings.

2006-04-03T16:40:00.000+01:00

Js stupidity is very well demonstrated by the things that tended to come out of his mouth.He once asked me,,Are the IRA and the UVF on the same side?,,.Once we were watching who wants to be a milionare? on the telly and a question about the names of the continents came up. Genius boy was absoloutly insistint that the USA was a continent.I tried to explain that it s a country and part of North America,but he seemed to find this very funny and kept arguing it.He came out with loads of other howlers but i wouldent have room for them all.

Fat,,S,,

2006-03-30T13:49:00.000+01:00

One of the girls he met off the internet was so fat that the two of them together looked like the number 10.When they were trying to get amarous she started getting her period and made him go and buy tampons.When she went to the toilet he decided to try her tong on.(if your wondering why i know so much detail ,J tells everything when ever he has an encounter,no matter he stupid it makes him sound)

Tales from Ozlaid House(A Cork Horror story)

2006-03-24T16:24:00.000Z

Hi ,i live in Cork,a small city in Ireland.Between 2001 and 2002 i lived in an apartment building called Ozlaid house,which will be familiar to most Cork people as its right in the center and its name is embazoned on a neon sign,which dates from when it used to be a cheap hotel.There i got to know an individual so stupid and so annoying that the stories i have about him would seem far fetched if you saw them on Dumb and Dumber.All ill say is that hes from T............. ,in his mid to late 20s and now lives in New York,but more of that later.On my next entry ill tell you more of this fellow and his wise sayings and unententionally amusing actions, So long for now, Darkman. Firstly let me describe his physical appearence.Hes about 6 ,2,but built like an anorexic Ethiopian,and his head is too big for his body.He likes to fashion his appearence on James Dean,with a leather Jacket with the collar turned up,plus very cheap plastic sunglasses.I wet bowling with him and some friends once.He couldent hold up the ball properly and just sort of left it drop,while hunched over like a constipated hunchback.He found it very funny if i or anyone else missed the pins,he likes to laugh at other people but gets very odd indeed if he finds himself on the end of ridicule.One of his biggest joys is searching the internet for potential sex partners.In a moment of frankness he confessed that he was a virgin till he was 24 ,and that if it wasent for the internet he probably would still be.He also said that in his first sexual encounter he got so excited that he came in his pants.He has a tendency to go for the ugliest women available ,in the belief that theyre the easiest.His motto on this is ,,A rides a ride!,,.He has tried to chat up the ugliest women imaginable in order to get his hole,and he dosent seem the slightest bit embarresed .In fact i was told by a friend who was with him in a nightclub that that our hero(who i will refer to as J),spotted a woman who was clearly in her 50s ,and who sported in my sources own words,the biggest nose hed ever seen.J declared that this woman must be gagging for it as shes unlikely to get much offers looking like that.So over he goes supremly confident of a conquest.He askes her does she want a drink.Her only reply is a shake of the head.J comes back seething.,,The fucking bitch,who does she think she is?,,Its not like shes going to get many offers,,.Yes J dosent take rejection too well,though hes experienced plenty of it.Another two obsessions of his are lesbians and asian women.He actually declared hed love to be a lesbian for a day,and decided without any hint of irony(he rarely jokes)that lesbians must have a great time being able too feel themselves all the time and thats what hed do if he was one.Hed often search personal ads for lesbians to contact,seemingly oblivious to the fact that lesbians arent likely to be too attracted to a straight male.He also searched a website for Chinese brides but was very annoyed that most of the ads were in Chinese.,,Youd think if theyre looking for western husbands that theyd put the ads in English,, he fumed.