Js big break.

J went through a phase where he got into amatur dramatics.He got a minor part in a short student film,though he was miffed to discover on viewing it that they recorded over his dialogue with music.His big break was when he got the part of Father Mathew in an outdoor production about Famous Cork Characters of old,to be staged in the coal quay.(For the benefit of non Cork readers Father Mathew was a nineteenth century Cork priest who campaigned against alchohol)His part entailed him performing a monologue where Father M bewails the plight of Famine victims.I went along to see the show,it consisted of a narator who would tell a bit about the history of the Coal Quay then introduce an actor who would perform a monologue.Js turn came,the narater introduced Father Mathew and J started his speech."When i see all the starving people""I".He stopped dead!A look of fear came into his eyes as he went blank and couldent recall his lines.After a protraced pause the narater said"Well folks ,that was Father Mathew"."Now lets ......"Before she could say anymore J interupted her with the rest of his speech which he blurted out as quick as he could.The play continued.Js acting career never quite recovered.

Maureen.

Ozlaid House had its own resident caretaker,Maureen,a 50something spinster who acted as the eyes and ears for the landlords.She had the keys to all the flats and it wasent unkown for her to go poking around in peoples rooms when they were out.I never hit it off with her but J developed a strange friendship with her.He became the apple of her eye,the golden boy of Ozlaid house.When he was with me J used to speculate on her sex life."You never know,she could be a great ride" he used to say.Wether he found out or not im not sure as i was later to fall out with him,but im sure it was one of the motivating factors for his friendship with her.

China girl.

J had a big thing about oriental girls.He was forever searching internet dating sites seeking out eastern lovelies.He thought he,d hit the jackpot when he found a site featuring Chinese women,but to his dismay the ads were all in Chinese."You,d think they,d print the ads in english if they want to meet western men !"he sullenly declared to me.

Dont mention the war!

J,s grasp of history is patchy to say the least .This was demonstrated fairly vividly when i was in his flat and we were watching "Band of Brothers "on the telly.Halfway into the episode he turns and asks me,"Is this about Vietnam?"

Wheelchair fun.

A friend relates a coversation he had with J,which started off with J asking him"can people in wheelchairs have sex?"There was a reason for his curiosity as it transpired he was corrosponding via the web with a girl in Newcastle,England who was wheelchair bound.J was in a quandry as how to get her upstairs so he could shag her.Not easy when he was living on the third floor of Ozlaid house.My friend in zest suggested hoisting her up to his window with a winch,at which Js mood darkened."You shouldent be making fun of people in wheelchairs" he chided. Irony ,as always was lost on him.

More wise sayings.

I had to explain the meaning of the phrase"middle of the road"once to J.When he told me he liked Gareth Brooks and i answered that he was too middle of the road for me he was mystified as to its meaning.

J and Borat,a comparision.

I watched the "Borat " film the other night and while i found it a very funny experience i couldent help but wonder if Sasha Baron Cohen has met our hero.Its not Just Cohens gangling frame that invites comparision but Borats ill fitting suit reminds me of when J bought a very expensive armani suit ,just imagine Ryan Tubridy with a freakishly large head and youll get the picture.Of course Borat and Js seduction attempts could also be said to be very similar.But a couple of other elements of the film really brought me down memory lane.Borats obsession with Pamella Anderson for instance.J would develop similar obsessions with blond female media idols.Particulerly so with Britney Spears,and the girl from "Sabrina the teenage witch".He would hear no ill said against them,and would go into a sulk if you did.In fact he used to watch "Sabrina"in bed ,at about half 5 in the evening,and,at the time of our brief friendship i walked in to his bedsit to see his hand pumping away furiously under the sheets. J had,some years before i met him been to the States.He had,as was his usual method,a guy ,a married fellow in his 40s i think,and stayed in his house for free.This was in Santa Barbera,Californa and J talked about the place as though it was the promised land.He also went on at extreme lengh about California girls,insisting that there were "no ugly women in California".Well ,i,ve already told you about the lovely "M" in letter from America.Not long after this long distance love affair fizzled out J met another american girl over the internet.A black girl called Celeste,whos short ,chubby and looks not unlike Borats dinner party guest in the film .No sooner had the keyboard on his computer cooled but the bold J had Jetted off to New York,in Febuary last year and married her over there.I,ve heard nothing of him since ,but rest assured ,once he gets his US citizen ship Celeste will have served her purpose and he happily chase his fantasy,which i imagine will involve proposing marrige to "Sabrina" at an autograph signing and then trying to kidnap her,Borat style.